I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I rarely share my beliefs, mostly out of fear. This post is not to try and convert you, it is just about the thought I had driving home from church this afternoon. I feel that no matter your belief system, you can get something out of this. Please, open your mind and heart, and think about who you can get closer to.
I have been struggling with my faith, for quite some time now. Events in life, have led me to start asking questions. Questions, that sometimes, I do not want the answer to.
I was never one to just accept what I was being taught at church. I remember making a few Sunday school teachers mad with my questions.
When my mom died, I had a really hard time, I didn't let on. I didn't want to appear weak. I was pregnant, I kept telling myself,
"I needed to be strong, I HAD to be strong. If not for me, for my baby."
About a month before my son was born, I had the realization, that I needed to start finding my faith again. I needed to know what I believed, so that I could have the hope that so many at church would talk about. This hope that told them, despite how awful the world is, they know everything will be alright, if not now, in the eternities.
My husband and I were married in the Temple. We participated in a special ceremony, that as members of the LDS faith, we believe that if we are true and faithful, we are bonded together as husband and wife for all eternity.
Even with my wavering faith, I knew, that I loved my husband, and I wanted to be with him for all eternity (even on the bad days). I knew, that the promise to be together in the eternities, would be fulfilled, but I just needed to find the faith to continue to live the way needed for that fulfillment.
It has been over a year since, that realization.
I don't feel that much closer to my Heavenly Father (God), nor do I feel much stronger in my Faith.
Lately, I have been asking myself, why? Why do I feel such a disconnect from Him?
Is is because, even after 5 years in the same congregation, I still have no close friends?
Is it because, we don't live in an apartment complex? (90% of the congregation lives in apartments, and most live in one or two different complexes. We live in a duplex, away from "apartment land".)
Is it because, no one sits next to me?
Is it because, of who I am?
Sometime, when I get depressed, I start to wonder, do I stink, is that why no one sits next to me? Is it my personality? Do I have no social filter? Does no one, want to be my friend, because I am judgemental? Or have done something to ostracize myself?
I have a hard time going to church, mostly because of these feeling. I want people to come and
WANT to be my friend, and to sit next to me. I want to feel welcome and wanted at all of my church meetings.
These feelings have started to creep into other parts of my life. I go to a mom's group, and sometimes if I get there early, I feel like the people I would normally sit with don't sit with me. I makes me feel very unwanted. I have started to come late so that I don't have to sit at an empty table and pray someone sits with me. This is how I feel at
EVERY SINGLE CHURCH FUNCTION.
But if I get there too late, I have to sit alone anyway.
As I was driving home from church, I had a sleeping baby in the back, and I was listening to the radio, the song
Get Closer, by Seals and Crofts came on.
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me
There's a line that I can't cross over
It's no good for me and it's no good for you
And there's a feeling deep down inside me
I can't explain it and you're wondering why
You say we been like strangers
But I'm not the others you can hang by your fingers
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me
There was a time when you would come running
You dropped everything for the touch of your hand in mine
I was blind and know I regret it
I can't forget it, it's locked in my mind
And I can't go on living
Wondering if you'll be here tomorrow
People change and you're changing
And I've given you my all
There's no one can borrow
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer, closer, closer, closer
If I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father, then I need to get closer to him. That was the first thought that popped into my head.
Sometimes, the answer to our problems isn't
ME, but that we aren't letting
THEM in.
We need to let others, help us, we need to let them in. I want to be closer to my God, and I need to let him in at the same time.
Getting closer to someone, is a two way street.