I have been struggling with my faith, for quite some time now. Events in life, have led me to start asking questions. Questions, that sometimes, I do not want the answer to.
I was never one to just accept what I was being taught at church. I remember making a few Sunday school teachers mad with my questions.
When my mom died, I had a really hard time, I didn't let on. I didn't want to appear weak. I was pregnant, I kept telling myself, "I needed to be strong, I HAD to be strong. If not for me, for my baby."
About a month before my son was born, I had the realization, that I needed to start finding my faith again. I needed to know what I believed, so that I could have the hope that so many at church would talk about. This hope that told them, despite how awful the world is, they know everything will be alright, if not now, in the eternities.
My husband and I were married in the Temple. We participated in a special ceremony, that as members of the LDS faith, we believe that if we are true and faithful, we are bonded together as husband and wife for all eternity.
Even with my wavering faith, I knew, that I loved my husband, and I wanted to be with him for all eternity (even on the bad days). I knew, that the promise to be together in the eternities, would be fulfilled, but I just needed to find the faith to continue to live the way needed for that fulfillment.
It has been over a year since, that realization.
I don't feel that much closer to my Heavenly Father (God), nor do I feel much stronger in my Faith.
Lately, I have been asking myself, why? Why do I feel such a disconnect from Him?
Is is because, even after 5 years in the same congregation, I still have no close friends?
Is it because, we don't live in an apartment complex? (90% of the congregation lives in apartments, and most live in one or two different complexes. We live in a duplex, away from "apartment land".)
Is it because, no one sits next to me?
Is it because, of who I am?
Sometime, when I get depressed, I start to wonder, do I stink, is that why no one sits next to me? Is it my personality? Do I have no social filter? Does no one, want to be my friend, because I am judgemental? Or have done something to ostracize myself?
I have a hard time going to church, mostly because of these feeling. I want people to come and WANT to be my friend, and to sit next to me. I want to feel welcome and wanted at all of my church meetings.
These feelings have started to creep into other parts of my life. I go to a mom's group, and sometimes if I get there early, I feel like the people I would normally sit with don't sit with me. I makes me feel very unwanted. I have started to come late so that I don't have to sit at an empty table and pray someone sits with me. This is how I feel at EVERY SINGLE CHURCH FUNCTION.
But if I get there too late, I have to sit alone anyway.
As I was driving home from church, I had a sleeping baby in the back, and I was listening to the radio, the song Get Closer, by Seals and Crofts came on.
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me
There's a line that I can't cross over
It's no good for me and it's no good for you
And there's a feeling deep down inside me
I can't explain it and you're wondering why
You say we been like strangers
But I'm not the others you can hang by your fingers
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me
There was a time when you would come running
You dropped everything for the touch of your hand in mine
I was blind and know I regret it
I can't forget it, it's locked in my mind
And I can't go on living
Wondering if you'll be here tomorrow
People change and you're changing
And I've given you my all
There's no one can borrow
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer, closer, closer, closer
If I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father, then I need to get closer to him. That was the first thought that popped into my head.
Sometimes, the answer to our problems isn't ME, but that we aren't letting THEM in.
We need to let others, help us, we need to let them in. I want to be closer to my God, and I need to let him in at the same time.
Getting closer to someone, is a two way street.
Don't worry, I never felt like I had close friends in Pullman (or here, either) but I am happy with my husband and my family so I don't think it matters. I liked your post either way and I think it's valid we should work on us rather than others.
ReplyDeleteFaith is a journey! My Lutheran pastor and mentor changed my life when he told me that. It's not a destination, but a process of learning and growing.
ReplyDeleteI think I have had conversations with you about similar feelings about friends. I love the inspiration you received. I think it applies to several aspects of our lives. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI have been pondering your thoughts all week. I know one teacher that loved your questions. We were not meant to achieve life goals on blind faith. Questions lead to answers and answers lead to a secure foundation on which for us to stand and weather out any storm. I miss your Mom also; to me she was the rock of your family. It seemed as though your family leaned on her whenever you needed help of any kind. She just had that down to earth wisdom that could see through any problem. She is not that far away that she cannot hear you, so talk to her. Remember her love for you has not diminished but increased every day on the other side of the veil. I love how you finished this piece. Our faith needs to be tested because anything of great value comes with a price.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your ward. But home is always a safe place to go when things do not go well outside of home at least it is for me. I have learned that I am okay and there will always be people in the church and out that do not like me. There is not much I can about how they think, except to respect their feelings and not let their feelings toward me effect my treatment of them. But even after all these years of life, it still hurts when certain people do not like me. Be careful of using others as a filter of your self-worth or trying to read between the lines of what they think of you. You are a child of God and of great worth to God and your family. One of the lessons I am working on is; that life seems to be more about being a friend than having one.
Faith is like a wall that takes a lifetime to build a little at a time. Satan comes in and does not attack the wall, he works on the base of the wall to see if he can cause the wall to fall. If we let him he only pulls a brick here and there. That at first does not weaken the wall much, but over time it is only takes a gentle push and our wall of faith falls and so does our protection from the evil one. Then he fills us with lies and pulls us further and further from the truth and our God. There is no magic to recreate the wall of faith, it is rebuilt one brick at a time from the bottom up. So trust in our Heavenly Father and do not let the wall fall and you will be blessed beyond measure and so will all you come in contact with. Thanks for sharing.